Tag Archives: Christmas

The Longest Night

Last night was the winter solstice, the longest night of the year and the official start of winter. Despite the distinct lack of snow in MN, the weather is deary and gray and the light is dim. People scurry around trying to finish holiday preparations and I am amongst them. There are presents to be wrapped (assuming the shipping elves work their promised magic) and plenty left to be done.

My 6 year old has one day left of school and can hardly wait for Christmas morning. I cannot put any wrapped presents under the tree until he falls asleep on Christmas Eve because he simply does not have the self-control yet not to open them when we aren’t looking. The two year old spouts random holiday phrases like a Santa toy that with a broken pull string – “Ho Ho Ho” “Merry Christmas” “Jingle Bells” and “Presents!” she interjects into conversations.

They are joy in the darkness and light too. There have been no Christmas cookies in the house yet, too dangerous. But we’ll make a batch on Christmas Eve for Santa. We’ll go to church and hear E1 sing with his choir. The kids will sleep, Mr. Goat will head back to sing with the adult choir for the late service. I’ll put on “White Christmas” on Netflix and make sure all the presents are wrapped and everything is just so.

It will be good.

People have asked how I am doing here. The truth is, I’m not sure. Some days are good. Some not so good. Some are very hard. I’ve gotten my lab results back from the physician and had good news – all my lab work looks great. With the exception of low vitamin D (hello Minnesota) my thyroid, hormones, glucose, cholesterol and other things all seem to be far healthier than the number on the scale might imply.

This is wonderful, but it also leaves me with the understanding that my weight is caused first and foremost by me and my eating. There are no hidden medical causes that have been found so far and nothing to blame but myself.

I have lost a bit of weight. About 5 lbs or so, although I am only weighing myself periodically so that I don’t put too much emphasis on the number but rather focus on eating when I am hungry, stopping when I am full, eating real foods, etc. I’m trying a few new things with my Team too.

I don’t want to make bold predictions because I don’t feel bold enough for them right now. I keep on keeping on figuring out my brain chemistry, my bodies cues and needs, my goals, and the realistic efforts I can make toward them. I keep fighting forward even on days where it seems like a slow crawl.

Right now, my long game is a mess, so my mind is all on the short game. One meal, one day, one week. The fight for a good day after a bad one.

It has been a long night, this 2015, but my hope is that more light is coming, and it will be good.

The Struggle

How do you write about struggling without making excuses or whining? I don’t know. I don’t know why but things have been HARD lately. I track consistently for most of the time, but I get to a day or a meal and I become embarrassed about what I eat and I try to ignore it. Or I just put all my weekly points toward it leaving me with no cushion for the rest of the week.

Despite having lost 100+ lbs in the last year I am doubtful of my ability to do this. I keep expecting it to be easier, that suddenly my body will be in sync with food. That suddenly cookies won’t be a siren song for me (Oh Christmas cookies why must you be everywhere).

I am embarrassed too; embarrassed over my desire to still stuff my face. Embarrassed how social events still cause me to hover over the buffet table. Embarrassed how people comment how well I am doing when I feel so far apart from doing “well” at this thing called weight loss.

At 100 lbs lost I feel like I should have some insight to keep me going but right now I am finding myself coming up short. My willpower is stretched, I feel pressures to celebrate the season, but to not eat, but to not insult a hostess but to track but not to feel guilty but I should feel guilty.

My mind hits circular thinking and I feel stuck. And yet I feel a deep desire to not let this into my thinking about the realities of the person I am, but it is hard not to feel like I am deficient in some fundamental way.

And through it all I still think about food all the time. When I doing well I am thinking about food. When I am doing poorly I am still thinking about food. Is there ever a time when i can just NOT have to think about it. The thinking seems to drive me crazy. Good choices, bad choices, always about food.

Plus the lack of working out makes my head even more fuzzy. I KNOW I need to find the time to do it, even if it is early morning or late at night by myself in the basement. I know this and I feel a deep need for it, but not deeper than my need to sleep.

I am in a hard stretch. I don’t know if it is the holidays, the sleep strikes of an adorable E2, the pressures of getting things ready for Christmas or what, but it is all hard. I don’t know how to keep on doing this day in and day out. I keep trying and some days seem fine and other ones seem hopeless.

How do you write about struggling without sounding pathetic? I am not sure you do, because I feel pathetic. This should not be SO HARD, and yet it is. It’s the hardest things I’ve ever done.