The Struggle

How do you write about struggling without making excuses or whining? I don’t know. I don’t know why but things have been HARD lately. I track consistently for most of the time, but I get to a day or a meal and I become embarrassed about what I eat and I try to ignore it. Or I just put all my weekly points toward it leaving me with no cushion for the rest of the week.

Despite having lost 100+ lbs in the last year I am doubtful of my ability to do this. I keep expecting it to be easier, that suddenly my body will be in sync with food. That suddenly cookies won’t be a siren song for me (Oh Christmas cookies why must you be everywhere).

I am embarrassed too; embarrassed over my desire to still stuff my face. Embarrassed how social events still cause me to hover over the buffet table. Embarrassed how people comment how well I am doing when I feel so far apart from doing “well” at this thing called weight loss.

At 100 lbs lost I feel like I should have some insight to keep me going but right now I am finding myself coming up short. My willpower is stretched, I feel pressures to celebrate the season, but to not eat, but to not insult a hostess but to track but not to feel guilty but I should feel guilty.

My mind hits circular thinking and I feel stuck. And yet I feel a deep desire to not let this into my thinking about the realities of the person I am, but it is hard not to feel like I am deficient in some fundamental way.

And through it all I still think about food all the time. When I doing well I am thinking about food. When I am doing poorly I am still thinking about food. Is there ever a time when i can just NOT have to think about it. The thinking seems to drive me crazy. Good choices, bad choices, always about food.

Plus the lack of working out makes my head even more fuzzy. I KNOW I need to find the time to do it, even if it is early morning or late at night by myself in the basement. I know this and I feel a deep need for it, but not deeper than my need to sleep.

I am in a hard stretch. I don’t know if it is the holidays, the sleep strikes of an adorable E2, the pressures of getting things ready for Christmas or what, but it is all hard. I don’t know how to keep on doing this day in and day out. I keep trying and some days seem fine and other ones seem hopeless.

How do you write about struggling without sounding pathetic? I am not sure you do, because I feel pathetic. This should not be SO HARD, and yet it is. It’s the hardest things I’ve ever done.