I didn’t go to weight watchers today, partially out of work commitments/running late and partially out of shame. I did however weigh myself at home. It was dramatically ugly as right through bed last night I found myself in the middle of a anxiety fulled binge eating episode.

Why I get that way it is like there are two parts of myself: My rational brain and the rest of me. The rational brain appears to be trapped in a soundproof clear panic room. No matter how hard it bangs on the glass I cannot seem to see it. I can tell it is making a fuss but the words don’t make it to the rest of my body.

It wasn’t until I started weight watchers that I recognized some binge eating episodes in myself – before that i overate so much in general that it was rare to differentiate a binge. Now that my normal is dramatically different from what it was it is painfully and embarrassingly apparent when I go off the rails.

And, as near as my observations can tell it has VERY LITTLE to do with the food I am eating. I can binge on sweet or salty, processed or clean, fatty or lean. It is the food that is the perceived solution to the rising panic I am feeling. Of course the food does the exact opposite of calm me, instead it just increases self-doubt and anxiety.

And then, it passes. Typically it is 2-3 of varying degrees of it and then I am able to reason more clearly. I doesn’t happen monthly (not strictly hormonal), it doesn’t happen is all kinds of stress or fear, it doesn’t always happen if I feeling vulnerable or exposed to extra chaos, but sometimes all those things combine into an anxiety vacuum that seems to suck me in. When you’re trying to lose weight and then you’ve got anxiety on top of that, it can be a lot for anyone to deal with.

*Related: Noom versus Weight Watchers!

I write this out even though it seems embarrassing and a little crazy. I write it because people writing about their experiences with food, anxiety and eating have helped me.

I didn’t go to Weight Watchers today but I did weigh in. (I am up 7.4 lbs which are probably a lot of salt as I was eating everything yesterday). No fancy graphics today, no big announcements, just the reality of falling and facing facts.

But, to my credit, I dusted myself off today, I reached out to some friends for a shoulder to lean on, and I track and stayed within my WW points. Today that is progress and I will take it. Today it is enough to have turned the ship.

WW Weigh-In Week 60 | Weight Watchers Weigh-In Week 62